The idea of self-discipline in addiction and recovery is a thorny issue.
Laypeople generally believe that the key to recovery is to exercise discipline, “just do it!” They assume that a person’s values ought to be strong motivation, which is why they tend to become disappointed and judgmental about relapse: it seems to suggest that an addicted person “doesn’t really care.” They overlook the fact that if human values drove behavior like pressing down the gas pedal drives a car, we would all be living our wildest dreams every day, achieving our full potential! Obviously, we all struggle with self-discipline to some extent. But people who have not had the experience of being addicted to something generally find it hard to imagine why a strong value system wouldn’t naturally override a compulsion.
Addicted people, on the other hand – and especially those involved in 12 step programs – often feel the opposite. For them, self-discipline is clearly not the answer. They invert the argument, pointing out that apparently even the worst and most degrading consequences are not enough to inspire discipline, that there is a limit to what discipline can do. It would be difficult to discipline oneself into overcoming a grizzly bear; self-discipline alone won’t cut it. Instead, we need to surrender to a power greater than ourselves, they say, a higher power that is strong enough to contest the grizzly. We need to lay-aside this idea of self-discipline and accept outside help.
The lay-person’s position is naïve and reflects unwillingness to accept the notion that different people have different strengths, challenges, and abilities. But the addicted person’s contention also needs a closer look. Maybe there is room for building discipline in a sober life?
To recover from any illness, we need a modicum of discipline. Even a common cold requires us to rest, de-stress, eat nutritiously, take our medicines, etc. More severe illnesses require more stringent measures, and the more serious the illness, the stricter we must become. Notice, too, that an illness actually saps us of the strength we need to overcome it! In a sense, an illness offers no quarter: if it could, it would just kill us off. However, our body naturally takes up the fight, and we add support in the form of mentally disciplining ourselves to stay out of its way.
Imagine, though, a case where our body has turned against us! Where, far from fighting back, the body itself prompts us towards ruin. This is the strange nature of addiction. It’s opposite logic: everything that feels good is bad, and visa-versa. Pleasant relief just drags us deeper, but pain and suffering are the way out. For example: detox is hell, but it’s completely necessary. It’s an emotional paradox that is understandably hard for anyone to get the hang of, especially someone who is already weakened and demoralized by addiction. Nearly, in fact, impossible.
Nearly.
This is where self-discipline comes in. Discipline is essentially the exercise of doing something regardless of how we feel about it. Discipline develops mental strength; it is the only way that mental strength increases. And if we are going to invite suffering rather than pleasure – a bitter medicine – we need steely discipline to do so.
Any major change requires a painful learning process that initially involves failure. Over time, with determination, we learn from our mistakes and correct them, allowing pain to guide us into mending our weaknesses. Then huge strides are made: the world turns brilliant colors, we love ourselves, and everything feels better. For the addict, the paramount question is “how fast can you learn from your mistakes?” because unfortunately time is of the essence, and addiction is a ruthless tyrant. It’s a lot more dangerous than a common cold, and remember, our body has been twisted against us, and is of little help.
How, then, can a newly sober person embrace discipline?
First, we need to get serious about learning from our mistakes. Reducing the number of missteps that are made – even on a daily basis – is crucial for lowering risk and improving longevity. We need to survive long enough to taste success! The realization that success is actually possible opens a lot of doors; it moves things forward and inspires courage where courage is badly needed. So, getting-into the details of our mistakes and slowly grinding them out, day after day, is a disciplined mission. Data gathering can be an aspect of this; for example, keeping an urge-log, or notes on coping strategies.
Next, we can be disciplined with our program. You may believe that a healing power is within or without, but either way, you have to do certain things every day, habitually and routinely, to evoke that power. Like growing a plant, if we procure the right conditions it will thrive. So, we can set ourselves up for recovery by adopting powerful recovery habits. That’s why “making the bed every morning” is symbolic of a disciplined life: it sets the tone for what we intend to be (addicts, honestly, never make the bed.) Maintaining a compulsory, structured routine is such a powerful tool that it will even get people sober who would initially rather not be, the backbone of “rehabilitation”.
Finally, we can become aware of when it is safe to relax discipline. Everyone needs a cheat-day; grinding ourselves into an emotionless nub isn’t fulfilling. There’s a sweet-spot, a balance, an element of discretion that releases tension when it’s quiet and pulls it taut again when it matters. Learning to do this in a body that associates pleasure with intoxication is complicated, but we need to start somewhere. No one has ever stayed sober who was miserable sober. Ultimately, sobriety has to work for us to develop lasting conviction in it. Learning to have fun and indulge healthy rewards is imperative. A therapist can be helpful in figuring this out.
If you’re struggling with relapse, don’t listen to anyone complaining that if you simply did this or that you would instantly recover; that’s idealistic and unrealistic. But let’s be real: you also need to do something structured, and do it very seriously. Addiction isn’t going to leave nicely like a well-meaning friend who stayed too long. It took some time to get addicted, and it’s not going anywhere unless you mercilessly push it out.
Have courage and faith – if not in God, at least in science! – and execute your program conscientiously. With good work and just a little luck you’ll earn your health, wellness, and recovery.